2012
02.29

All right. Happy Leap Day, everyone. We’re 60 days into the Gregorian calendar in a year that is evenly divisible by four, which means that everyone gets an extra day. The situation arises because we have 365 days in our calendar, yet it takes the Earth 365 days and six hours to make a complete revolution around the sun. I think the whole problem could be solved by changing the name of the state of Mississippi to Missississippi, which should effectively elongate the standard measurement of the second enough to account for the extra six hours.

As of yet, no one has really gotten on board with my plan. Which is sad, because it was the first step in my twelve step program to conquer the world. If you’re facing similar issues while sitting in front of your drawing board, maybe you just need the collaboration of the other evil geniuses that will be attending the March installment of the Technology Bytes Geek Gathering.

The important thing here is not to get discouraged, but rather to learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others.

So, I’m thinking that we may make a little more progress if we identify some plans and some players that haven’t seen so much success in the past.

If you plan starts off with stealing underpants and ends in making a profit, you’d better get poppin’, because a highly motivated, lowly situated group of people is already on the task. Any guesses?

The Underpants Gnomes. They haven’t completely failed, but they haven’t really succeeded yet, either. If you happen to be an Underpants Gnome, you’re still welcome to attend the Gathering this Friday night.

Our first real villain started off life with a full head of red hair, but due to an artist’s mistake, quickly lost it. In one plot, he tries to become president of the United States of America by winning the election on a platform of promoting technological progress. His first action as president would be to take a proposed moratorium on fossil-based fuels to Congress.

So, red hair, pro-technology, wants to cut our dependence on fossil fuels… Sounds pretty solid. Any idea who this villain is?

Hint: His plot usually included 1) Kill Superman 2) ??? 3) Profit!

Lex Luthor.

So let’s not give up on domination through technology just yet…

Maybe you could amass a secret portfolio of patents that may cover the world’s most popular Open Source operating system? Then maybe you could talk a few companies into paying you royalties or settling the infringement case out of court, then use those precedents to sway other companies into paying you, too, all without actually divulging the patents? Has that been done? I think maybe that’s been done… Any idea who tried and failed?

Darl McBride of SCO.

Now, if you feel a little maligned or that maybe you’re a bit of a mutant, you might want to thing twice before trying to lock up all the regular people. It’s been tried. It failed. Any guesses as to who was behind this one?

Magneto, enemy of Professor Xavier of the X-Men.

Now, if reasoning, regular emotions, and all rationality go out the window when you sit down to hatch a plan, you may want to take a note from our next villain. In the movies, he was played by such greats as Cesar Romero, Jack Nicholson, and (cough) Mark Hamil. Of course,
Heath Ledger is probably the give-away.

With green hair and a wide smile, we have?

The Joker.

Pretty much if your plan includes, Kill the Batman, then you’re sunk. Even with Michael Keaton in the mix. He kicked butt and took names as Batman, Mister Mom, and a business manager trying to keep jobs in his hometown automotive factory.

So, what if your plans include a re-branding based on the letters of your name and a reorganization of your entity into other spin-off ventures? What if your co-workers describe you as a raging psychopath, devoid of the normal human responses to other people’s suffering? What if you like salesmen? Hint: It’s not Michael Keaton. Oh – and did I say Salesmen? I meant snakes.

Voldemort.

And lastly, if your plan involves fighting a multi-fronted war with an under supplied army, attacking Stalingrad instead of Moscow, and setting up Panzer and infantry rally points hundreds of miles behind enemy lines, you can go ahead and find a ditch and some petrol right now.

Things get started this Friday a little after seven PM at the Coffee Groundz in Midtown Houston. 2503 Bagby at McGowan is where you want to be. Coffee, tea and smoothies are on site, and beer and wine are within walking distance. Hit our site at www.geekradio.com for the bigger than life flyer and details on the Geek Gathering. Hope to see you all Friday, but for now…

That’s it for your cautionary call to arms and that’s that for BarretTime.

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